Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*

*at the end of a 3 day weekend*

Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time

The universe: here is a snow delay

Me: no, not like that

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”

Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.

I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.

Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.

“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.

ㅤ

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

*watching any crime show*

He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.

Them: Do you know who you look like?

Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.