Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.

Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.

[trying to ride a horse]

ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!

GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children

Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?

I feel seen

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*

You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug

Doggies just call it style.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*

I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.

“Are you going to finish that?”

-takes a tantrum from a toddler

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.