Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.

*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no

Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*

Go little guy, you’re free now.

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.

As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.

“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.

I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.

Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”