I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
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Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.