I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
You Might Also Like
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
cry laughing at this shit
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.