Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream

Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”

Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: No, absolutely not.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2

Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?

Me: After you eat your real breakfast.

SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3

Kid: What’s for breakfast?

Me: Popsicles.

[first date with woman who has a kid]

HER: i’m a single mom

ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were

*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!

My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”

I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.

One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.

[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH

My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful

Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.