I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
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Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
When you don’t understand how floors work
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.