I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
You Might Also Like
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.