I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
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nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Air conditioning – not a fan
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
i want to work in this restaurant
My new favorite headline
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure