Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”

-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.

“Ok, same difference.”

*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.

My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.

Friend: Oh, OCD?

Me: Children.

Be the reason she can’t walk properly.

~ 5 inch heels probably ~

Cop: You’re wanted for murder

Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?

Cop: What?

Me: Huh?

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”

If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.

Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

I do believe someone didn’t understand what this system was designed to do.

My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.

Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?

Him: that’s a ladle

When I snag the last meatball.

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’