Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *winks*

Him: *googles signs of a stroke*

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿

I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.

If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

Son: Facebook is for old people.

Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions

me: so I’m hired?

I look after plant pots and hanging baskets for celebrities, which means I tend to shrub holders with the rich and famous.

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.

[jaws theme plays]

Me: omg

Shark groom: omg she’s here

I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I

7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.

Me: I am so in.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*

Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back