I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
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When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Sign of the day..
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
