Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!

The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.

If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.

Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.

Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.

*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.

Him: I want five bedrooms.

Me: why? So we can have more kids?

Him: No. More parents.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.