I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.
And it’s about time.
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ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
weddings should have a worst man
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.