Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

My new favorite headline

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.

An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.

The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.

Don’t ask me how evolution works!

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.

If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?

Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*

Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!

There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other

Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.

Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

*feels the wind in my toe hair

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.