Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes

Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do

Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

[on shark tank]

Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change

Baby shark: I’m out

Mommy shark: I’m out

Daddy shark: …Go on

Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?

God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.

My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.

*A guide to 1st dates*

Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?

“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control

Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower