I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
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The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?