Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date: so you were married twice before?

Me: yes

Date: any kids

Me: no they were both adults

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”

“Just ignore him, sweetie.”

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.

“Whoa nice car”

Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels

[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”

78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60

My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days

How I like cutting carbs

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.