I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
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Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Your honor these allegations are
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
I’m not a regular Mom.
I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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