I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
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I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
When I take a minute to focus on my own life.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
This kid is going places
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people