I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
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I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Verizon: your online bill is ready
Me: ok. for what
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already