I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
whoever named the meatball absolutely nailed it
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
