Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”

Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao

Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser

this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore

My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe

Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.

I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.

It really gets her snickers in a twix.

Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:

Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.

Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.

I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.

Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.

Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.

Thought you should know.

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.

If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer

Typos are what differentiates is from robots

Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.

It’s not you, it’s me.

-Twins looking through old photographs.