I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
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Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Greeting humans vs their dogs
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe