Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion

ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?

CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?

ME: I am not.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle

I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village

[in conference room]

Coworker: What time is it?

Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*

I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.

*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”

One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing

[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”

“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.

In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this

You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.

Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?

Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”