I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
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Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
They say if you see something, say something. Of course they’ll tell you to go be crazy somewhere else, but still.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it