I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
my dentist & his assistant stare gleefully at me, waiting for me to sign the document that would give them the legal authority to install an extra row of teeth in my mouth just like sharks have
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
how many bears make up a bear minimum