I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.