I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
me: did I notice an off brand dish detergent in your apartment?
girl who would never date me bc I’m always trying to sell stuff but she feels lonely during the holidays: yes
me: does it cut thru the grease and grime?
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.