I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You Might Also Like
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.