I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?
Bernadette.
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.