Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.

WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:

yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes

ㅤ

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

God: you’re a penguin.

Penguin: actually I’m a spy.

God: uh no you aren’t.

Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?

God: that’s just what you look like.

Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.

God:

Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.

*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*

Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.

My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

Her: I don’t see color

Me: They make glasses for that now

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.