I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
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My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break