I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You Might Also Like
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…