i’ve found my new favorite subculture
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
Adds what I’m about to eat to my grocery list
takes a bite
Removes it from my grocery list
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
“you changed” bro i was 15
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one