I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
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Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The Backseat Boys
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it