Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me

Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

Best part about marriage?

NO MORE CONDOMS!!!

Worst part about marriage?

No more sex.

I’m having an out of money experience.

“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25

slow driver in front of me:

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.

–my dog

The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is getting Vanilla Ice to solve it.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.

Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?

Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.

Me: Damn, that looks delicious.

Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…

“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning