I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
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Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
today, on father’s day, i’m thinking about how my dad escaped three wars and worked as a janitor only to see his bloodline die out bc his son discovered menswear forums and spent the next 20 years arguing about pants
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
dictator is short for richard potato
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks