Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”

Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter

HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.

ME: Show me {moves closer}

HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}

ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

[eating a foot long sub]

*spits out tiny periscope*

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.

Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management

before coffee: don’t talk to me

after coffee: please don’t talk to me