Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.

Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist

*Arrives at work 2 hrs late

Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior

Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]

me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.

Them: for a million dollars would you-

Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]

“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”

Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.

ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me

Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.

Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious

You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.

grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-

me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone

When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.

somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day

Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.

my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect