I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
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Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.