Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single

I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what’s your location

me: i’m in the cockpit

control tower: i mean where is the airplane

me: mainly behind me

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?

Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy

My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy

Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…

Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.

Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.

What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i always wear cargo shorts

professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry

me: oh here have a gatorade

professor x: thanks man

The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.

My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”

Wind: “No you’re not.”

My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.

Thoughts

Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”

Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.