Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you

13yo: Unless you really want some hand!

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.

I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…

1995: …leave it, toilets are gross

Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW

If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym

My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.