I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
A Harris-Walz ticket would be a disaster for proper usage of apostrophes in this country.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
#inspiration #foodforthought
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Miscakes