imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
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GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I love wikipedia
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude