I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
You Might Also Like
I hate when jobs ask me to name a time when I had to de-escalate a situation. N****s don’t even play wit me like that ion have them kinds of issues
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Them: Is your cat friendly?
My Cat: What kind of a fucking question is that?
Me: No
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”