Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a

ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]

IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE

i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on

Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.

When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary

HER: What’re you most afraid of?

ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.

Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.

Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.

I’m still very hungry.

Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*

[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears*

*quarter falls out*

Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.