I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
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Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
The Book. The Movie.
The future is now.
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
they really do be looking like this
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Who called it med school and not the I.V. League
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?