Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.

Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.

A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?

If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.

Me: *Sweeping*

Wife: Excuse me

Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS

Wife: …

Me: That’s from lord of

Wife: MOVE!

Me: *Moves*

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?

-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut

If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?

Now security is showing me out.

Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars

Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first

*seductively peels off lederhosen

The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.

friend: why are you crying?

me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing

grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd

Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.

pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob

Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.

Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.

i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.