Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Me: I can’t think of any life goals

Wife: God could you be any lazier?

Me: ooh good one

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?

Dog: Shut up, Carl

Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?

Me: Shut up, Carl

Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark

We are all just prisoners here of our phone device

If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.

Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

[holding the door open for a pretty woman]

Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir

Me: *blushing* I aim to please

Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor

M: I despise you

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women & they want us to make the first move. 😏

Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

I am laughing way too hard at this.

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.

At some point, we need to be conscious of what kind of world we’re leaving behind for our limited edition beanie babies.