Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Mum on football…
Mum “If I was a player I wouldn’t want the responsibility”
Me “Of what?”
Mum “The ball. I’d pretend I was busy”

Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together

Me: That’s not true

H: Wanna go hiking

M: I don’t like your tone

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

These 3D printers are insane!

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water

*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*

[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:

1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them

I wish my hair had as much volume as my mouth.

son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”

Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.

in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”

we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws

I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.

[first date]

him, a cop: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.