Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse

society: let’s give mothers their very own day

me: what about sharks?

society: we’ll give them a whole week

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

“Amanda Seyfried (left)”

[police station]

I’d like to fill out a police report.

*describes myself to the sketch artist*

My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

found this cool rock hiking today

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye

MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird

A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.

Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times

“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.

Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?

Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?

Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?

Me: Yeah no, that’s about it

*being abducted by aliens*

Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?

Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]

My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.

I just had a near sex experience.

My wife flashed before my eyes.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.