Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.

People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks

boss: can i see u in my office

me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out

I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle

My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

[Snow White sees her doctor]

Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

I camp so other people don’t have to.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

My 13yo’s school supply list had “Trapper Keeper” on it. I thought I was going to have to time travel back to the 80s to grab one until I saw Target had already done that for me and had a few on their shelf.

Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.