I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
I’ve just been cleaning the kitchen and decided to shake out all the crumbs from the toaster that had missed the crumb tray. When I tried to replace the tray there was something stopping it going back. A little digging with a knife revealed the desiccated rear half of a mouse