I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
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G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The government even made aliens boring
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
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Hi
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*