I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
You Might Also Like
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Shouldn’t autocorrect be called autoassume?
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.