I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
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Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.