I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
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Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Hotels are back
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Mike is short for Micycle
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
I need to go to jail for about 18 months to catch up on all my reading.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think