I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Snapes on a plane.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else