I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
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If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…