I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
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4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
So the ex texted me
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎