I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
oppen heimer style lol
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep