I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
You Might Also Like
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.