Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

😭😭

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

Logged into Facebook.

‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’

Logged out of Facebook.

caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…

me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???

caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?

My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

he’s mad at me cause i keep replying “🧯” to every girl that comments “🔥” on his pictures

Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Cop: My informant told me where the killer is

Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?

Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that

Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

Person 1: You should do Yoga.

Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.

Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.

Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men

I am laughing way too hard at this.