I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Van Gone
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle