Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

I need to update my racial profile.

The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”

My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.

I think I’m on to something here…

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

Me: Did you look in your purse?

Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!

Me:

Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*

Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

Him: I’m over the moon

Werewolf doctor: you’re cured

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔

When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.

Him: Hypnotist?

Me: Oh hip noticed alright.

Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd

I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.

It was a twerk-place injury.

Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.

ME: I worked at a zoo for a while

THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?

ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers