Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭

Me: 😐☹️

Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave

LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?

Guy: One ton

Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy

Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”

I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition

Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE

Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.