Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good advice.

Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.

My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.

I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

penguins are just ducks going to a wedding

Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.

100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world

You’ve been promoted to customer

#FireSomeonePolitely

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Daughter:What’s a whore?

Me:Not now.

Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.

Me:You’re getting warm.

Daughter:Mom will know.

Me: You’re on fire!

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

I’m having an out of money experience.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….

You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.

But it was nice of you.

I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

plums roundup

Funny because it’s true. 🤣

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.

having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now