Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many books

Saying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope

Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple

Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!

Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.

Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.

Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.

I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”

*finally drifting off to sleep*

Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK

Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.

My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.

My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.

6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.

Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.

Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock

ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.

The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.

Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.