Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wheel of fortune]

me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel

I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.

That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Wanna hear a construction joke?

I’m working on it.

it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.

Me: It’s an autobiography.

Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.