Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.

I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.

Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile

Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.

Me: Are the bowling trophies included?

Realtor: Haha

Me: …

Realtor: …no, they aren’t

Me: I’m not interested then

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

HER: my friend katie is single again

ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up

HER: yes!

[later]

DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!

Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.

Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best

All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.

My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.

I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.