I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
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Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
my anxiety is at an all time high because i keep getting texts that begin like ‘anna, we need to check in’ or ‘this is a difficult message to send’ and for a second i think it’s my boyfriend breaking up with me before i realize they’re all from tim walz
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*