I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
put goat milk on the menu, everyone cheers
put goat juice on the menu, you get a visit from the health inspector
what’s that about
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.