Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.

-I say as I climb through your window

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

Just a reminder, folks:

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

This recipe takes only 30 minutes.

3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.

*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*

Nurse: We only need one.

*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*

A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.

Breaking news:

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

[date]

Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?

Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.

Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts