Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist

Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Mother: can you please fix my computer

Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.

Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning

I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”

*during sex

Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.

I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.

Planet of the Apps.