Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.

I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.

Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

Worth a try

quarantine day 3

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.

Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.

tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.

[First Date]

Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”

Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.