Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”

I was just discussing this with my cat

The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.

Whenever my girlfriend and I share a meal, I let her have the first bite because I’m a gentleman.

Also, to see if it’s been poisoned.

Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?

Me: The arrival of the paramedics?

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!

making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)

*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

[CPR dummy coming home from work]

WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?

DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

FBI: you are so busted!

Me: omg thanks 🤭

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.