I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
You Might Also Like
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Please keep my baby in your thoughts. I wouldn’t let her pull the carbon monoxide detector off the wall and no greater tragedy has ever befallen a child in time past.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.